Taking The First Step…Again

“You are what you attract”. I’ve heard this saying for most of my adulthood, and I used to think it was a crop of bull, but as I got older I began to see the truth behind the statement. I have never been good at picking mates, and I do mean NEVER. In fact, I feel like I’ve written this post a dozen times already, so there isn’t any need for me to go into detail about how many failed relationships I’ve had and all of that jazz. The fact has already been faced, I suck in that arena big time! I have a very bad habit of choosing a person, gathering all of their broken pieces, and romanticizing them in these microscopic moments, making it all bigger than what it actually is.  I guess you can say that I blur the line between fantasy and reality. What I envision a person to be, is never what they actually are. We all know that seeing a person’s potential means absolutely nothing if they don’t see it for themselves. So I gather these broken pieces, invest in said potential, placing these people on a pedestal they have no idea how to function on. Why? Why is it that I attract people who are unsure of everything in their lives, including who they are? Why do I attract people who allow fear to hinder them, blur their vision, and rule their entire world? Why do I attract people who have no earthly clue just how worthy they are? Why do I attract people who feel like they don’t deserve more than what they’ve already received? Why? Why? Why?

 

The truth is, I’ve been at this fork in the road for years now. When I think I’ve made a choice and I’m headed down the path I feel my steps have been ordered, something makes me double back, because I fear leaving everything and everyone I once knew on the other side. I keep telling myself that I can be both places at once, that I can hold on to certain friendships/relationships because I am not a quitter, when In all actuality, the best thing to do is quit. There is this book by Elizabeth Gilbert called ‘Big Magic’. Now I haven’t really been into her after reading Eat, Pray Love, but this book has been recommended to me more than once. I also read that it is a follow up to the book I despise most, so I haven’t given it a shot. However in this book she asks the questions: Why am I here? What have I been called to do? How am I getting in my own way? How can I best live out my destiny? It’s a cherished blessing that I’ve come to the point in my life where I actually know the answers to these questions, but I still remain at the same fork in the road. I’ve allowed distraction after distraction to keep me from taking my ordered steps. So how do I get upset when I attract someone who can’t let go of their past? One who allows fear to rule their world and blur their vision? One who feels like they don’t deserve more than what’s already been given? I’m living in that same fear, that same doubt. It’s just worse, because I’ve had the answers for years.

 

I no longer fit on that other side, so nothing in my life will go right until I take those ordered steps. There are successes and blessings in my life that are inevitable, and my soul is screaming out for it all. I can’t continue to try to drag people with me who need to be left behind. I appreciate every single person and situation that God has seen me through, but I’ve gathered what I needed from that side of the road. What my soul desires and what I choose to keep accepting are two totally different things. I must change what I’m willing to accept.  It’s beyond time to be better, so that I can attract better. I’ve taken the first step many times, however this time I can’t double back.

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